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When I Needed a Win

You know the deal. You train hard for four months. Your runs are spot on. Waking up at 4:30 every day to sweat it out. Recovery is right. Nutrition is right. Your pace is right. Hydration is right. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

I have always suffered with my mental strength. I grew up in a house that competition was in our blood and growing up with two amazing athletes for sisters. Try being 11 and 9 years younger and always trying to keep up. 

When I signed up for the Big Cottonwood Marathon, I had big dreams. My sister had run that marathon a few years prior and she told me that it was fast and an easy course. I could achieve great things on that course. 

I live close to the course so I would run it at least once a week. I could run that course with my eyes closed. Every run I was spot on for achieving a 3:15 marathon. I had my eye on that prize. I could almost taste the victory.

The night of the race, I was so nervous. I finally fell asleep about 3 AM and my alarm went off at 3:50. Oh boy. First red flag. I could feel it. My body was tired and all I wanted was to curl up and go back to bed. 

I rode the bus up with my friend and we waited at the top which was a lot warmer than I was expecting. Second red flag. I could just feel something was not right with my body. I toed the line, gun went off and away we went. First mile consisted of just trying not to get trampled or tripped. Second mile came and oh boy it hit me like a brick. There was the steepest hill that we had to climb that I did not prepare for that early in the game. 

After climbing that hill, my legs felt dead. I was trying to shake them, rub them, and get them moving. I was working so hard to keep an 8 minute mile pace. Like drenched in sweat. I hit mile 18 and things went south fast. My dad usually rides his bike next to me to pace me during my marathons. He joined me and it that is where I fell apart mentally. I got the biggest side cramp ever. I had to stop and stretch every three minutes or so. MY LEGS WERE DONE. 

My dad kept trying to push me but I was not having it. I kept looking at my watch as my 3:15, 3:20, 3:25, 3:30, 3:35, 3:40, 3:45 pace just kept slipping away from me. I broke. I wanted to give up. My legs had never hurt like that in a race before. I was in tears and I don't know if it was from the pain in my legs or the pain in my heart. 

As I walked/jogged I told myself that I was going to finish this race. I finished. 3:51 was my official time. The slowest marathon that I have ever ran. I know that some people would love to have that time, but you know that feeling when you just haven't done your best? You are not proud of the effort? I should have fought harder, trained smarter, pushed through the pain! All of this self doubt hit me. I told my husband that I hated running. I would never run another race again. 

I was on Instagram and someone was giving away a free half marathon trail race entry. I thought, what the heck, I never win a thing. I entered annnnnd I WON THE ENTRY. Better put down the oreos.

I was going back and forth all week debating if I should or should not run this race. I told myself that I should just go out there and have fun. 

That is exactly what I did. I lined up with all of these pro-looking trail runners. Their expensive trail running shoes, compression socks, head bands, backpack. I look at myself, bundled up in an old hoodie, old running shoes that I use for trail running that are a little too small, and not even awake yet. 

The gun went off and away I went. I was truly just enjoying the scenery, feeling the cool air on my face, looking at the deer, and amazed by the mountains that I was running in. It was when I hit mile 10 I realized that I might actually win this race. Then the doubt set in. You never win anything! NO WAY! 

Well guess what! I WON OVERALL FEMALE! I took 4th place overall and I broke the course record for women. 

I sat in my car and I cried. I needed this win. I giggled on my way home as I apologized for what I said about running. 

This silly sport has its ups and downs. It can crush your dreams and then make you feel like a superstar. It challenges you, makes you not take things for granite, makes you dream big, gives you inspiration to wake up at freaking 4:30 every day!!! 

You will always have good days and bad. Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. But never give up on your dreams. They stretch you and make you grow as an athlete but as a person as well.

Keep dreaming, keep running,
Kylie



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